Synopsis from IMDB
The Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets.
Ok, I watched this movie last Saturday. Now it has taken me this long to write this review because honestly, my review would have been nothing but a long string of cuss words. Everyone knows of my overwhelming and some would say unhealthy hate towards Transformers 2. But Michael Bay said he knew the problems and he fixed them. Well he lied. He said the movie would be shorter. It wasn’t. He said the movie would have a more focused plot. It didn’t. He said he would lessen the dorky and unnecessary comedy skits. He didn’t. He said it would be less messy. Meh, somewhat. He said we won’t have any racially offensive robots. He actually did this, but replaced them with more homosexual innuendos. So pretty much everything I hated about Transformers 2 was brought over to Transformers 3.
Transformers 3 is about the Autobots and humans learning that the history of humans on the moon had a whole different story. Something landed on the moon, another Autobot and his ship. We used a part of that ship to create one of our rockets. The Autobot crashed on the moon right after the Cybertron civil war and held a weapon that could rebuild their world. So it is a race to get to the weapon before the Decepticons got a hold of them.
Our main character, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is in a slump. He just graduated college and he is a hero, but can’t tell people he is. He has a new girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), who use to work as an ambassador’s assistant, but now works at a high end car dealership. Through plenty of job interviews (which were pretty ridiculous), he lands a job as a mail clerk. Sam learns the secrets from coworker and is back in the middle of the Autobot/Decepticon battle.
That is the best description of the plot I can come up with because after the first 20 minutes, the movie itself couldn’t keep on track. The film didn’t focus on so many of the little things that by the time you get to the big thing, all you can say is, “WHAT THE F%&#?!” Half an hour in, people started leaving the theater. I would have if not for the fact I was the driver and was with my sister and cousin. This movie brings in characters, has them make a few jokes and then they don’t show up again. One of the things Bay is famous for is not taking advantage of the characters he has. And the ones he does have, he overplays or underplays them, even the Oscar winners/nominated actors that are in this. I guess everyone needs to make money no matter how talented they are.
The plot holes in this movie were so big the robots themselves could fit through them. I didn’t understand why the Decepticons needed to actually kill the people who worked for NASA, specifically the astronauts who discovered the crash. As a matter of fact, given why they needed the weapon, it didn’t make sense to kill humans at all. If anything, they would need more of us. Also the Prime autobot they found on the moon and what his plan was, it would have made more sense to stay on Cybertron, but I won’t spoil this even though it is stupid. Also I don’t see any reason to waste time trying to make sense of the plot if Bay didn’t either.
Now let me get on to the only thing everyone is talking about (well the guys anyway), the new Megan Fox, Rosie. Bay was lazy with the way he explained Megan Fox’s character, Mikaela, out of the movie. Basically, she just up and left us. That was it. The new chick is pretty, of course, and Bay made sure to let the world know from beginning to end, literally. The first shot we get of her isn’t from her face, but her ass. We even get a panty shot of her coming out of a car. You know, just because. I hated the new chick. Mikaela at least fought in the Transformers movies, this new girl doesn’t do jack shit. There was even a scene in the movie where she was a few yards away from a car exploding behind her. She just stood there, didn’t take cover or anything. Bay just wanted everyone to see the wind going through her hair. I guess her collagen-filled lips were protecting her from being blown to bits.
That and she is an idiot. She has no problem with her boss, Dylan (played by Patrick Dempsey), hitting on her right in front of her and her boyfriend. She also doesn’t see anything wrong with her boss giving her a $200,000 Mercedes. REALLY?! A man does not give a woman a $200,000 car without wanting something in return, but she obviously didn’t have a problem with it. Really Sam? This is your new girlfriend? She doesn’t fight for you and she accepts very expensive gifts from men. Words can’t express how much I want Megan Fox back because this is just bullshit.
We got our old characters back. The soldiers are back, Epps (Tyrese Gibson) and Lennox (Josh Hamilton) who did what they did best and fought. We got back Simmons (John Turturro) and he has a book out, a huge house and an assistant name Dutch (Alan Tudyk). Dutch definitely had a backstory, but do we learn it? Of course not. He is disguised as the gay guy. Not like his voice or the way he walks can’t already tell you. But for Bay to make sure you know, “Hey, this is the gay guy!”, he is introduced to us in a suit with big, pink flowers all over them. Again, unnecessary.
Ok I already made this longer than I intended to, but goodness. I just can’t believe Bay did it again. And what is worse is that this is number one on the box office again. What is wrong with us? People are going to say just enjoy it for what it is. Well you know what? I can’t and won’t especially since this movie doesn’t know what it is. I can tell you. It’s shit. Shiny, metallic shit. Two and half hours of special effects and jokes does not work for me. You know why? Because they are nothing but distractions. They distract you from the fact that this makes no damn sense. I spent $31 on this and I knew it wasn’t going to be great, but I somehow expected more than just a rehash of the last movie. I am so glad this is over.